Awesome things about DUI's and why you should consider driving drunk to get one.

• You don't have to worry about driving anywhere anymore.
• Therefore you can drink as much as you want.
• You've been to jail, you have jail stories.
• As soon as someone finds out you've been to jail, you can tell these stories and make their day.
• If no one is polite enough to ask you about your time in jail, you can always interject one into a conversation by saying 'Well when I was in jail....' and just apply it to the subject matter at hand, you can always make it fit.
• If people aren't paying you the proper attention you demand you can start quietly sobbing or screaming about something and just claim that something triggered a flashback of your time in jail, and then proceed to tell a story about jail, whether or not it has something to do with the 'flashback'.
• As the disturbance level of the flashback goes up so does the chance that someone will you buy a drink*.
• Feel free to embellish, the people want fantasy not stories about the fat chick staring at you from the toilet across the aisle.
• It is possible there is someone there who just recently got a DUI and might be scared of whats to come, frighten them with your worst stories and act as their mentor.
•  More thoughts on this subject matter to come. 

 

 

 

 

*theory only, not been tested.

I've got a bad feeling about this...

Suzy just got a webcam and so we'll probably never leave our computers. I made cinnamon sugar apple donut holes tonight, they were delicious. I guess I'm gonna make cannolis this week. Mmmm. What else? I dunno.

Do want

this.

The fuckery just never ends

So I'm gonna scan a prison journal as soon as I get it all written out (writing on paper is hard ya'll) but it will be coming so brace yourselves for that. I can't believe how tired I am, I slept soooooooooooo well last night and then fell asleep for a little nap this afternoon. There's no food in this house which is so aggravating. Yawn, that's all for now.

Fuck these people

OH MY GOD CHOCOLATE COVERED BACON??? THAT'S AKIN TO DEVIL WORSHIPPIN'!! AND DEEP FRIED SWEETS! HOLY CRAP SOMEONE CALL JESUS FOR THE SECOND COMING TO STOP THIS DEBAUCHERY

Fuck that lady and the people who made those horrendous comments. If you don't like it don't go to these events.

ps

I don't actually know any of these peoples' religions but their comments are so close-minded and hateful they seem like they sit at home all day watching PAX.

Woman of Science.

So I'm doing some highly academic internet research and on why lately 80% of what I consume lately is Cheez-Its and eggnog. I'm also trying to find out how quickly this will kill me. I don't think the eggnog is so bad since it contains milk and that means I might finally be getting a decent amount of calcium. Some might say all the sugar cancels out any health benefits I might be getting from it. But then I would smack them in the face with some truth, on a typical day I consume about 5 glasses of water and....4-8 glasses of soda. Let's say two of those servings of soda are with food and so those stay the same but for the past week I've replaced the other 2-6 servings with eggnog. So I was already drinking something incredibly high in sugar and I've replaced with something high in sugar but with calcium. I don't want to hear your arguments against this. Onward to Cheez-Its. What is it with these things? One internet user suggests that the reason they are so addictive is because they get stuck to your teeth and you want to eat more to help get the stuck "stuff" off only to create more "stuff". Good theory but it doesn't apply to me as I crave this shit when I don't have it. While complaining about how one box doesn't last long enough, Allison watched me feverishly shove a handful into my mouth and said 'Maybe if you ate them slower.' I scoffed at her, 'Like that's possible.' Anyways there's probably no actual addictive properties it's just one of my stupid food phases, like with the tomato soup. That was a dangerous one. I burnt my tongue a lot, I spilled it on myself, it was in my dreams, it was everywhere. So for now I guess Cheez-Its and eggnog are what I'll obsess over. Oh! At the store there is Pumpkin and Gingerbread Eggnog. I have a bad feeling about this.

Doch wir küssen als ob nichts Geschieht

I got sooo many jewel toned colored clothes. Mmm. There's this fun little shrug at h&m that I want to get, they have it in red and like a glittery gun metal. And there's that other gorgeous purple skirt and the cute jeans that they didn't have in my size. Today was exhausting. Got up at ten and went to the DMV and got shut down for a restricted permit because they didn't send me the information I needed on what I needed to do to get those privileges. Cause I'm a big girl I almost started crying so instead I made a fist and crumpled up the paper I had to fill out and lit a cigarette. Then we went shopping at h&m and oh my godddd it was so crowded, filled with old ugly leathery over tanned Scottsdale women. And the store is smaller than I'd like. And the underwear section is not nearly big enough. But its nice to have it. But they devote the entire upstairs to fucking kids clothes. I doubt that would've done that if they'd put it in Tempe. So then Allison and I were gonna ride bikes over the rummage sale but as soon as I got on I realized I couldn't even remember the last time I'd ridden a bike and the seat felt very high. Luckily Allison's tire was flattish so we didn't bike, and I didn't embarrass myself. I must learn how to ride a bike again. Anyways found lots of gems at the rummage sale, sadly none of the shoes were big enough for my ginormous feet. And well browsing this old lady was talking to me about she couldn't wear heels cause of her knee surgery and I love that I relate to old people because of this. We talked about how terrifying wearing heels is. Just give me my oatmeal and put me in a rest home already. I found some things for you Suzy! Don't get TOO excited I mean you might hate them for all I know, but when I saw them I was able to picture you wearing it/them. I'm gonna wait till I've accumulated more crap to send you to put together and send your care package. Maybe I'll be able to make something in PRISON. I wonder if I'm allowed a writing utensil so I document this amazing life experience I'm gonna have. Oh and speaking of, what if someone is giving prison tattoos? Should I get one? Jen and I were fantasizing awhile back about getting matching 'Tent City Represent' type tattoos. I don't want to work tomorrow. I'm so tired. I think I've written enough now to make you wonder why I wrote so much.