And today, at this moment I don't feel a whole lot wiser. I'll post something more later today about actual stuff but right now I feel like just writing about bullshit that's on my mind. I obviously feel like I deal with situations and am more mature about decisions now compared to when I was 17, but then I look around at what I'm doing and wonder if it really is all that different. I still fuck up a lot, I still suffer consequences but those obviously inevitable when you make stupid choices, which I still make every now and then. While I think in my mind that all my mistakes are learning experiences and that I'll be better off for having learned them, it doesn't always feel like everything sticks. Do I drink for several days straight because I don't know any better or because I do and don't care how I'll feel? Do I let certain words out of my mouth in front of certain people because it hasn't hit me by now that those aren't the things you should say in front of someone, or am I self destructive in my relationships with others? I could go on making a stupid list of double sided questions but it wouldn't do any good because for me, the answer is always both. Or at least it feels that way. The lovely girl in the picture below stuffing her face with hummus absolutely saved me Saturday night. We were at a party on a rooftop in an apartment building and everyone was laughing and having a good time and I wanted to be having fun but I just kept finding myself going to edge to smoke cigarettes and look over and out onto the city wondering. I felt almost comatose, as if I was there but not really. I wasn't really sure what I was thinking but I know what I was thinking isn't what I wanted. But the thoughts kept swirling around not leaving me alone. Then Aja came up and asked how I was. And we talked.
Now I'm better, not feeling great or by any means something that can be called good, but better. Thank you to people that see people and care, thank you to my family for being who they are I love you all beyond words.
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Well, Mugsie, you said a mouthful. I wish I could tell you that someday you'll be all grown up and that you won't do or say "stupid" things and that life will be always wonderful. Ain't gonna happen. I'm still growing up, myself.But are these learning experiences? Yes, indeed there is no denying that. But it takes time and repetition. And all these experiences shape you in ways you may not kown. They don't change you exactly. But they hone and focus your character more and more. So embrace these experiences and do learn from them. We are never too old to learn about our selves and those around us. The fact that you think about these things speaks volumes about your character in a wonderful way. You do care. But above all remember this: You are who you are and that person we love without reserve. To love yourself in that same way is the challenge. Wow, what a sermon. Hope it makes sense!
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