I've got a bad feeling about this...

Suzy just got a webcam and so we'll probably never leave our computers. I made cinnamon sugar apple donut holes tonight, they were delicious. I guess I'm gonna make cannolis this week. Mmmm. What else? I dunno.

Do want

this.

The fuckery just never ends

So I'm gonna scan a prison journal as soon as I get it all written out (writing on paper is hard ya'll) but it will be coming so brace yourselves for that. I can't believe how tired I am, I slept soooooooooooo well last night and then fell asleep for a little nap this afternoon. There's no food in this house which is so aggravating. Yawn, that's all for now.

Fuck these people

OH MY GOD CHOCOLATE COVERED BACON??? THAT'S AKIN TO DEVIL WORSHIPPIN'!! AND DEEP FRIED SWEETS! HOLY CRAP SOMEONE CALL JESUS FOR THE SECOND COMING TO STOP THIS DEBAUCHERY

Fuck that lady and the people who made those horrendous comments. If you don't like it don't go to these events.

ps

I don't actually know any of these peoples' religions but their comments are so close-minded and hateful they seem like they sit at home all day watching PAX.

Woman of Science.

So I'm doing some highly academic internet research and on why lately 80% of what I consume lately is Cheez-Its and eggnog. I'm also trying to find out how quickly this will kill me. I don't think the eggnog is so bad since it contains milk and that means I might finally be getting a decent amount of calcium. Some might say all the sugar cancels out any health benefits I might be getting from it. But then I would smack them in the face with some truth, on a typical day I consume about 5 glasses of water and....4-8 glasses of soda. Let's say two of those servings of soda are with food and so those stay the same but for the past week I've replaced the other 2-6 servings with eggnog. So I was already drinking something incredibly high in sugar and I've replaced with something high in sugar but with calcium. I don't want to hear your arguments against this. Onward to Cheez-Its. What is it with these things? One internet user suggests that the reason they are so addictive is because they get stuck to your teeth and you want to eat more to help get the stuck "stuff" off only to create more "stuff". Good theory but it doesn't apply to me as I crave this shit when I don't have it. While complaining about how one box doesn't last long enough, Allison watched me feverishly shove a handful into my mouth and said 'Maybe if you ate them slower.' I scoffed at her, 'Like that's possible.' Anyways there's probably no actual addictive properties it's just one of my stupid food phases, like with the tomato soup. That was a dangerous one. I burnt my tongue a lot, I spilled it on myself, it was in my dreams, it was everywhere. So for now I guess Cheez-Its and eggnog are what I'll obsess over. Oh! At the store there is Pumpkin and Gingerbread Eggnog. I have a bad feeling about this.

Doch wir küssen als ob nichts Geschieht

I got sooo many jewel toned colored clothes. Mmm. There's this fun little shrug at h&m that I want to get, they have it in red and like a glittery gun metal. And there's that other gorgeous purple skirt and the cute jeans that they didn't have in my size. Today was exhausting. Got up at ten and went to the DMV and got shut down for a restricted permit because they didn't send me the information I needed on what I needed to do to get those privileges. Cause I'm a big girl I almost started crying so instead I made a fist and crumpled up the paper I had to fill out and lit a cigarette. Then we went shopping at h&m and oh my godddd it was so crowded, filled with old ugly leathery over tanned Scottsdale women. And the store is smaller than I'd like. And the underwear section is not nearly big enough. But its nice to have it. But they devote the entire upstairs to fucking kids clothes. I doubt that would've done that if they'd put it in Tempe. So then Allison and I were gonna ride bikes over the rummage sale but as soon as I got on I realized I couldn't even remember the last time I'd ridden a bike and the seat felt very high. Luckily Allison's tire was flattish so we didn't bike, and I didn't embarrass myself. I must learn how to ride a bike again. Anyways found lots of gems at the rummage sale, sadly none of the shoes were big enough for my ginormous feet. And well browsing this old lady was talking to me about she couldn't wear heels cause of her knee surgery and I love that I relate to old people because of this. We talked about how terrifying wearing heels is. Just give me my oatmeal and put me in a rest home already. I found some things for you Suzy! Don't get TOO excited I mean you might hate them for all I know, but when I saw them I was able to picture you wearing it/them. I'm gonna wait till I've accumulated more crap to send you to put together and send your care package. Maybe I'll be able to make something in PRISON. I wonder if I'm allowed a writing utensil so I document this amazing life experience I'm gonna have. Oh and speaking of, what if someone is giving prison tattoos? Should I get one? Jen and I were fantasizing awhile back about getting matching 'Tent City Represent' type tattoos. I don't want to work tomorrow. I'm so tired. I think I've written enough now to make you wonder why I wrote so much.

I have no life today.

I basically spent all day in bed with my laptop. So once I finally got out of bed I decided not to make the pumpkie french toast but eggnog french toast instead. And for extra decadence I coated one in chocolate frosted flakes. Mmm. I painted my nails yellow, but because there's a bit of shimmer it's not as yellow as I'd like. The search will continue. I'm going to attempt a blueberry pie tomorrow.

Don't talk to the mayonnaise he's trouble?

Fuck you holier than thou yoghurt. Thinking you're better than mayonnaise. Yes you can be tasty in the right situation but you will never replace mayonnaise. You are just jealous.

For those of you who can't tell I'm talking back to a tv commercial.

ATTENTION HUMANS, BEER TASTING IN THE BACK.

So going back and reading over the old posts has made me realize I have an odd way of speaking sometimes. I'm so tired. I've been falling asleep every like half an hour for half an hour with my laptop on top of me making it all hot when I wake up. See like that sentence, isn't there any way I could've condensed that? Whatever I don't wanna think about it, I have to put all my brain into my writing assignment from Dad. I have to fax my lawyer a letter stating what I want in a plea agreement. Can't I just scribble something like 'yo dawg try 2 get me no jale tyme plz', I think he would respect that. How much are tattoos guns? I think I could make a good living as a traveling unlicensed back alley tattoo artist. My slogan could be 'For those who dare...' I would make a killing. And then I would start killing people by poisoning the ink. They would be called The Ink Blot murders, police state to state would be baffled because the way I'll leave my victims will actually fit the profile of a MAN. And I'm a WOMAN! dun dun duuuun. It won't end well for me, obviously, it never does.


ANYWAYS...
Time to write my mission statement.

One of these days I might just

So, I've been reading over past blawwwwggssss, like I do when I'm feeling nostalgic, and I really need to start having these proofread. There's just lots of silly little things like leaving out words and switching around of letters and the like. And I know it shouldn't bug me this much but IT DOES. I'm actually tempted to through all of them and edit them, unless I wrote them while drunk, then they shall be saved for posterity. So I feel like crap. PURE CRAP. So I called into work, they understand. Anyways, enough of the crap, since I can't sleep since I feel so overwhelmingly awful I will tell you (Suzy since I'm pretty sure no one but you and me read this) about last night. So I work like 10 hours cause Jen's dad isn't doing well and she had to leave and no one else could come in so Dave, who opened, also had to close. This means nothing to anyone but me, but as a note to future me, you CAN work for ten hours straight, it is possible. Anyways so I got home, got dressed and Allison and I went off to Phoenix to go see the Evangelicals. I had only listened to them in Allison's car but my gosh, they were BUH.NA.NAS. They put on a really great show. Aaand yeah, then we hung out with them afterward and we got "fan bracelets" which are purple! Uggggh I write entirely too much, I need to scan some comics today. And pick out an outfit for court. Oh hey its only a one hour time difference now for Wisconsin and Chicago. I need some music, or a movie about heroin addicts. Those movies always make me feel better. Oh no! The internet has is failing. And it's back. I'm really just rambling on now. Maybe I'll paint something today. Does my blanket smell like sulfur? Maybe just a bit? I need my mangy quilt back. This post should have ended like ten hours ago.

Of slums, pirates and vampire children.

So I fell asleep listening to the Christiane F soundtrack. And this what I dreamed. It was my 13th birthday (this is alternate world, I was really a Patera, I had a family but they weren't in the dream) and my friend was throwing me this party at this abandoned hotel where her and her friends stayed. It was this dimly lit, shabby, sad sack of a place. And there were no party decorations or cake or anything, just a bunch of opium that everyone was smoking. There were these two adults that were like a more sinister version of Patsy and Eddie from Absolutely Fabulous, and they were like den mothers to all the kids there. And there were a lot of kids, there was even one baby. So this dream basically followed my life from there, because I never after my birthday, I just stayed there for several years. No one could really leave this place even if they wanted to, but no one really wanted to because at this point most of us were addicted to the opium the den mothers provided us with. They never directly threatened us never to leave but there was an air of it. So one day I'm going through one of the more untouched rooms and discover a map of sorts, and it basically gives you instructions how to be transported to the ocean at any time. All you had to do was put some coins in your back pocket and with your hand in your pocket shake the change up and down one time. Having not smoked in a few hours, I was coming out of my opium haze and realized how bad it was there, and decided to take a chance with the ocean. So I did as instructed, and sure enough I was taken to the ocean. Just dropped right in the middle of some random body of water. I remember being angry that the instructions didn't specify where in relation to the ocean I would be taken but that soon didn't matter as a ship (A PIRATE SHIP) had spotted me and was coming to rescue me. So the captain of this ship was basically Jack Sparrow. So I spent much time on the boat blah blah blah about a month went by, Jack taught me a special way of swimming, and there was a pirate war. One time I was having a swim alongside the ship when someone yelled 'Look out!' and I looked out just in time to see another ship run me over, but it didn't kill me. Instead I was transported back home outside a supermarket and someone right near me lost their leg. So I went back to the hotel to try to collect some of my friends. So apparently things were a lot worse when I got back to the hotel. Everyone was scattered and hiding. I found my friend and asked her what happened, and she said about 12 hours ago they heard screams and strange noises coming from a couple stories up. So, because this is apparently a horror movie now, we went upstairs to investigate. There was blood on the walls and ceiling in the hallway and it was all leading to this room at the end of the hall. And I can't really remember what was there because in my dream it was actually really disturbing and scary, but basically there was a bloated dead baby that had been feeding on a live rabbit and some sort of vampire child that had tried to feed on something or someone but instead got her throat torn out. That's all.

Oh my TVC15

Sooo the store manager of BevMo apparently just walked out this morning. I wonder what they're gonna do about replacing him. This doesn't make me any more excited, cause I'm not at all, to go back to work but at least it'll make for good gossip for a bit. So I guess it's safe to say I won't become an alcoholic because I came to a realization this weekend that I really only drink when I'm happy or in some sort of good mood. While it cannot be denied that I had fun with some of my favorite people this weekend, I can't say I was happy. We got in Thursday and I felt sick after we landed, didn't get more than an hour of sleep that night. And so the tone for the weekend was set, for me at least. I've been feeling so scatterbrained lately, I know I already complain a lot but I really feel like I've just been straight up having memory issues. It's probably nothing but it is weird. Liz and Kit had to turn around after we got out on the road cause I'd forgotten my boots at the apartment. Then I thought maybe I was just being crazy and had packed them after all and worried about this until I could check my suitcase, right before I did I got a text from Allison asking if I was sure I'd forgotten them. So for a moment I was sure I'd sent them back for nothing. I don't know why, even though they were back at the apartment, this made me feel so shitty. I'd also forgotten my make up bag back home in Arizona. It was the best to see Suzy again. Odin was as always a joy to be around and made me feel the closest thing to happiness. I fully planned on getting drunk that night, I had a fun outfit and I didn't feel completely drained despite the lack of nocturnal shut-eye, but we get there and I down a vodka Red Bull and...bleh. It's loud and there's all these people and so I have a beer, hoping this will be the key to happiness. But it just feels so tasking to drink when you're not feeling like you're having the time of your life. That's when I do my best drinking. So I went home early because all of this was just depressing me more. Odin was kind enough to keep me company on the bed, even if he did get poo on it. I can't even piece together the weekend beyond that. It was just a blur of trying to enjoy myself because I was with a group of people that I don't get to see nearly enough and trying to feel like drinking so I didn't feel like I wasted my time at one of the best drinking festivals ever. Just didn't happen for me though. Things I almost left behind at the cabin: Laptop.
Things I did leave behind at the cabin: romance novel from library, my paycheck, probably something else.

And now I'm back here, Suzy-less and more pressingly dog-less. I'm trying to figure out where I want to go from here, what I want to make of my life, and the only thing I can figure out for sure right now is that I need a dog. Not want, need. Well this was a big blawwwwg, and how boring for you all, no pictures. Hm, well, here.




In case you can't tell, that is a dog in the shape of a Southern Comfort bottle. You're welcome.

So this happened...

This is monkey bread not five minutes out of the pan. Dad, Allison and I were successful at demolishing it as soon as our tongues could bare it. I think I still burned my tongue a little bit, but it's so worth it. Make this. It's simple.

It's FALL!

Vanilla cupcakes with pumpkin buttercream!!!!!!!




hah you can see where my thumb smudged some frosting.

Millions of Peaches

So I made this cake and I haven't tasted it yet but it looks tasty. Thank you dad for going to the store to get more butter and orange for me to zest.

So tonight I'm gonna party like it's 1999

I'm terrible at hanging things but here are the paintings I did today. Oh and you can sort of tell the color I picked for my room.

Muffin Buffalo.

So I made delicious muffins last night. Blueberry muffins with a cinnamon crumb topping to be exactly. They were big, hard to get out of the pan, and addictive. And they're all gone. And I didn't take a picture before they were all gone. Sorry. I'll just have to make something tasty again today and document that better than I did the muffins. Allison scanned several of my bevmo comics so I'll get those up soon. Ugh, muffin induced coma.

Holy crap.

So mom bought a peach at the store yesterday, and after I got back from court this morning and getting some wonderful new jeans (NEW JEEEANS??? allison knows), I sliced open the peach and it smelled soooooo good and tasted delicious. And then I decided to cook it in some butter and put it between two pieces of vanilla almond french toast with a bit of cream cheese smeared on. It didn't require any syrup cause it was so decadent, but for scientific purposes I put a bit of boysenberry? syrup on. Mmmmmmmmmmmm! Sorry Allison, I realized I really do make the tastiest stuff while you're not here.

Ample Apple Beauties

Oh yes, I haven't tasted them yet but they look and smell delicious. I'm gonna treat myself to some Chinese food, watch Craig Ferguson and devour these little lovelies.

Oh hell yes!

Suck it, Gwyneth!

This made my black heart cackle with joy. It is truly great, truly.

Heavens to Betsy

I found a tasty cheapish greasy delicious Chinese restaurant nearby. Soooooo good. Of course it's not hard to impress me as long as the food is fried and saucy. So yeah, thank you Chop and Wok for being so close and so fried. I still prefer Qwik Wok in Tempe because they have the best sesame beef I've found here, and you do not, but you do have delicious chicken wings and other delicious appetizers and I could eat a meal of appetizers. It's lonely here, I've just downloaded 'Transformers' and 'Ghosts of Girlfriends Past' so it looks like I'm watching crap tonight. In addition to watching at least one episode of 'Wife Swap' every day, and it's Shark Week. But Shark Week is actually quality programming...I don't really have a point here, those sentences never went anywhere. Here's a point, I'm watching NYC Prep, so aside from True Blood, Mad Men, and Deadwood to fall asleep to, Craig Ferguson to watch while I do dishes, and it being Shark Week, all I watch is crap. Pure crap. Ugh that girl is so fuck ugly. Can't even shorten it to fugly because that would a disservice to her wonky ass eyes. What else was I think of earlier that I wanted to tell someone but NO ONE ANSWERS THEIR PHONES..oh. Speak of the devil, Big Sooze is calling me back.

It's so funny

I wish I could post the poem I thought of in my dream last night cause it's funny, but it's kinda dirty and I don't want anyone on the internet to steal it and claim it was their work. Cause it all came from me. 'The Game' is on tv, so of course I'm watching it. I killed a cockroach tonight. The most disgusting stick in the house (Pateras know which stick I speak of) is even more disgusting cause I killed that fucker with it. It's behind your piano mom. I'm going up to Flag tomorrow to see Lisa and retrieve a gift from Suzy, so damn excited. It'll be good to get out of this hot dry mess. Yawn, I wonder if I can fall asleep yet. I need to go to the SS place tomorrow to grab a new SS card. And by SS I of course mean Hitler's secret police. Someone please buy me The Sims 3. Please. PLEASE! Ok hopefully I can fall asleep. Maybe I'll come up with another brilliant poem.

Not a lazy bitch.

So the bird that's been hanging out on the porch that I thought was just lazy and wanted to get away from the heat, does in fact what appear to be children! Bird children. There were I think two little ones behind her when I got home from work today and went I scooted closer to get a better look she didn't fly off like she usually does, probably cause she thought I was gonna eat her kids, and she is right to think that.

Oh so I had this dream I spilled the last can of tomato soup on myself and was very upset about it. So I looked up what it means. The soup part means I'm emotionally hungry, the tomato part foretells good health, but the spilling of food in a dream says that you should give up that food in "real life". FUCK THAT!

BURGER!

So maybe I didn't hand form the beefy goodness, but I did cook it myself, cook the awesome bacon (cooked in the oven WITH BROWN SUGAR ON TOP) to go on the beef, HAND SLICEd the cheese! and buttered and grilled the buns myself. Ohhhh it's good.

Hmm

Ok so I'm baking this tiny sheet cake (recipe) and the blogger either forgot to put how much baking powder to put in or accidentally typed in writing how to prepare it all. So to be safe I added a little bit. So I mean I don't think it'll turn out terrible cause the batter tastes great. Mmmmm 20 minutes or so till delicious cake.

There's always room for RAINBOW JELLO!

Mmmm.

So since this was my first time making it, it doesn't look perfect, but hey first times are supposed to be awkward and messy, but it tastes gooood.

Getting over my fears

I need to get over how much I hate flour touching my hands. So I made biscuits the other night, and made bacon egg and cheese sandwiches out of them mmmm. Didn't do anything for the 4th except watch 'Confessions of a Shopaholic', very cute movie. Anyways here's some stuff I made, apple popovers which were awesome but the recipe only makes four. And better pictures of the rainbow cupcakes. K so I didn't take pictures of the actual popovers, they got eaten too quickly, but I did take a picture of the apples cooking.

Flagstaff birthday amazingness bivens!

I hiked down an entire mountain basically, in non grippy flat shoes that sparkle! and I didn't die or even break anything, and I was actually able to climb back up that mountain. Oh and it was Lisa's birthday. But I think my incredible feat is more amazing.

blahhh

here I am at the cabin, my arm hurts!

Perez Hilton is STOOPID

dumbass.

Attention Suzy

Master of making a room look cute, I need to feel comfy in this room (picture below) that I will have to move into in about two weeks, I hate this room, but because I'm a 23(almost 24) year old loser who has to live with her parents temporarily (and really when is it gonna end, when bevmo gives me a raise? cause they ain't giving raises this year) and wants to feel comfortable in the place she'll be spending most of her time. Any TIPS? (like what the fuck should I do about that awful wall color? please note the color is about ten times more bright, bold, and garish in person)

hahahaha remember this??

Cherry cake and cherry coke float cupcakes!

Yum.

Enough with the awful commercials

Van Lines (I think?) moving company, I didn't see the whole thing but it doesn't matter since I saw the dumbest part. Some ten year old hanging out the car window (moving to a new place I assume) and you hear his inner dialogue 'I wonder what cheerleaders wear in Florida...', a slight variation on what they wear in every other state you jackass.

Tastiest Gang Ever.

The Hidden Valley Kings of Charlotte, North Carolina. Don't fuck with them or they will dip you in ranch and eat you like youse a carrot or some shit. I <3 'Gangland'.

(Wasn't there a tougher sounding street name or neighborhood they could've named themselves after?)

Update: Ok maybe that was the toughest sounding street name they could find considering that the other street sign in the shot with the Hidden Valley Rd sign is Cinderella Rd. Hehehehe.

What the...

This AT&T commercial was just on and before it ended it tagged on at the end 'Buy Mom Samsung Propel after mail in rebate and get a free Samsung Propel after mail in rebate', wait what? Only one 'after mail in rebate' is necessary, right? Or have I gone stupid?

Fuck you 'I can't believe it's not butter'

Cause I CAN believe you aren't butter, butter is wonderful, you are not. Fuck you and your holier than thou (or BUTTER IN THIS CASE) attitude. I'm done with you and we never even started, never contact me again, and I especially never want to see you on my tv again.

Let's get married and have kids at 16!!! Our looove is so strong it will be easy

Fucking 90210. I mean I'm all about terrible plot lines but COME ON! Oh really you guys love each other so much you just know you'll feel the same way about each other forever even with the stress of trying to raise a child, finishing high school, and growing up. Really? I hope this crashes and burns so some dumb Adrianna-obsessed 90210 doesn't get any ideas and try to make art become life. Although I'm sure some version of this happens all the time, it's just so frustrating to watch it acted out (badly) on a teen drama. Watching Gossip Girl right before this was a bad idea because it highlights just how terrible this show is. Will I stop watching? Hell to the no. I need to get out more. Are there friends out there that want to be burdened with my presence? No? Ok, well I'll just make some tomato soup and watch The Hills.

Two bloody stumps!

Or actually just one. I was walking outside the mall today and I noticed this guy walking in front of me had this awesome shirt on with owls embroidered on the back, and also his left hand was wrapped in a wet bloody rag with blood dripping from it. When in front of Starbucks he asked some guy if he would go into Starbucks for him to get him a plastic bag and the guy said, 'Sorry dude I'm busy' (he was strolling leisurely) and so bloody hand man said 'FUCK YOU!' and I didn't hear the rest cause I was heading inside, I considered going back to go in and get him a plastic bag, but I don't think Starbucks has plastic bags and then I realized that none of the stores close by would. I hope he found one.

Wildlife

Every time I go out to my car it seems like a thousand different animals scuttle from the area, my car is currently covered tree sap and bird shit, I am warned by Mom about a 'huge lizard' roaming in the area, a damn cricket somehow jumped in my car while I was going 45mph and scared the shit out of me, and just now I heard the familiar howl of a coyote, only it sounded like it was in our backyard. And it's already getting hot as hell.

PANCAKE!!!!!!!

So this morning I woke up and thought a oven baked apple pancake sounded really good. I couldn't remember the recipe I'd used before and I found what looked like it and varied it a little bit. Instead of pour the batter over the apples and putting it in the oven right away, first I sprinkled the brown sugar and cinnamon on the melted butter as per usual put the sliced apples on top BUT THEN sprinkled a little more brown sugar and cinnamon on top of the apples and threw some more butter on top of the apples and put it in the oven for about ten minutes. Then I put the batter on top and cooked it for almost thirty minutes and oh it was soooooo good. I also added some vanilla and Patera secret ingredient to the batter, delicious.

Well

I'll post these on facebook as well but whatevs here's some pictures from Chicago, they include (in no particular order) Suzy at bingo night, Odin, Suzy with Odin, me with Suzy, and awesome graffiti.